Is it selfish to be a freedom seeker?
They say life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself. So here I sit trying to create a world where for me, freedom and security can exist at the same time. Where adventure and safety live in harmony together and I can then rid myself of this constant internal chatter, which continuously lets me know that I’m a selfish bitch for wanting both….
As a woman, the thought of being considered selfish is almost repellent. Infact I’d go so far as to say, that there are many times when I’ve done something I didn’t want, rather than feel the weight of that kind judgement.
Now I fully get that I can’t always have things my way, I’ve a family, I run a business and if you’re my friend or someone I love, I’ll make sure I’m there to fight for and with you, no matter what. These things are the essence and the foundations of my life. They make up who I am; and albeit chaotic, the safety and security that the people in this inner circle provide, is the core of who I am.
Now whilst this sounds all fine and dandy, this need to create stability hasn’t always worked so well. It has advantages, but for a while, it also made me scared to step out of old and stale situations, for fear of rocking the boat. A disastrous relationship, which turned into a nightmare marriage, friendships that I held on to for too long, jobs and careers I was too scared to follow, boundaries I should have held firm, people I allowed to behave badly.
I spent much of the early part of my life moving, re making friends, re establishing myself in a new place, trying to fit in, looking for a space where I could be comfortable and be me. It’s little wonder that safety and security featured so highly in my values.
They say that for every black, there is a white and whilst I have this need to cocoon myself with safety and security, I also have this inner burn, this need for adventure and freedom. To do mad things and push myself, not just physically, but in all areas. To break out from the day to day, however great that might be and go off and be just me. The freedom and adventure I mean, can literally look like an afternoon’s peace to read a book, right the way though to the plan for a solo trip up Kilamanjero. In the past, it has meant jumping out of planes, walking stupid distances and a whole range of other stuff, which leaves people giving you ‘that’ look!
Freedom is also my space, My head space and my soul space. My thinking space and my creative space. It’s the space when I can leave the tangled shitty mess that’s building in my head, which is sometimes threatening to explode. Does that make me selfish? I’m not so sure?
My work, both personally and professionally, is about creating and offering excitement, motivation and inspiration. It’s about creating happiness, comfort, safety and support and then teaching others to craft that for themselves… Now I love it and wouldn’t swap for the world, but that takes a shit load of energy. Sometimes I just need to push the stop button and tell the rest of the world in the most polite way to f*ck off for a while, whilst I find out who I am, so that I can carry on, but in a way which doesn’t fry my brain quite so much…. Until next time….
It seems to be impossible but it’s actually easy to solve a Rubik’s Cube using algorithms.