Shedding Skin. Beliefs, Behaviours & Judgements
I talk too much and I laugh too loud. My skirts are sometimes too short and my hair too blonde. I swear too often and drink too much wine…
I’ve a piercing in the top of my ear that my mum thinks is ‘common.’ And, let’s not get started on the leather trousers or the disco ball in the dining room, the driving too fast or the fact that I just love crap telly. I embarrass my kids and perhaps ‘shouldn’t’ wear a bikini. I work too hard and stay up too late, I’m rubbish in the morning. I cry at the ridiculous and will fight tooth and nail for something I believe in. And, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say, I don’t give a shit if you approve or not!
Hallefuckinglujah! After all, it’s only taken me the best part of 50 years to get here! To get to the place where when I wake up in the morning, I recognise the woman who stares back, groggy eyed from the bathroom mirror.
She’s the woman without the layers. The woman who has peeled the judgements and the criticisms of other people, away from herself and discarded the opinions, feelings, beliefs and behaviours which were no longer relevant and prevented me from being the very person I needed to be most. ME!
Now that sounds easy doesn’t it? Rather like discarding a couple of layers of clothing when the weather gets warmer. Perhaps for you, it may be like that, but for me, it was on occasion a bit like peeling my skin. Because I was so attached to those opinions, feelings, beliefs and behaviours; that I wasn’t sure where they ended and I began.
This shedding of layers is different for all of us. The first step for me was a feeling that the life I was living was several degrees off course from the true north I wanted to follow. It wasn’t about sameness or difference. It was about being me.
Me. You. Whoever you are, is a feeling that doesn’t need you to think too much. It’s an instinctive knowing; an ok from your internal satnav, which lets you know you’re headed the right way. It’s something that doesn’t require you to brainstorm, ask the opinion of others or take notice of their judgements. It’s an inner confidence that allows you to know you’re doing ok.
Like any new situation, it needs some practice. It’s a work in progress to feel your way in. Some days I’m on fire with being me; others I’m a little wobbly and I need to take time out, to check that the inner glow is still there… A walk in my own, some space to just sit, some peace from the external chatter that can often surround us and the chance to consider which rules to break next in the quest for being me!