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They say life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself. So here I sit trying to create a world where for me, freedom and security can exist at the same time. Where adventure and safety live in harmony together and I can then rid myself of this constant internal chatter, which continuously lets me know that I’m a selfish bitch for wanting both….
As a woman, the thought of being considered selfish is almost repellent. Infact I’d go so far as to say, that there are many times when I’ve done something I didn’t want, rather than feel the weight of that kind judgement.
Now I fully get that I can’t always have things my way, I’ve a family, I run a business and if you’re my friend or someone I love, I’ll make sure I’m there to fight for and with you, no matter what. These things are the essence and the foundations of my life. They make up who I am; and albeit chaotic, the safety and security that the people in this inner circle provide, is the core of who I am.
Now whilst this sounds all fine and dandy, this need to create stability hasn’t always worked so well. It has advantages, but for a while, it also made me scared to step out of old and stale situations, for fear of rocking the boat. A disastrous relationship, which turned into a nightmare marriage, friendships that I held on to for too long, jobs and careers I was too scared to follow, boundaries I should have held firm, people I allowed to behave badly.
I spent much of the early part of my life moving, re making friends, re establishing myself in a new place, trying to fit in, looking for a space where I could be comfortable and be me. It’s little wonder that safety and security featured so highly in my values.
They say that for every black, there is a white and whilst I have this need to cocoon myself with safety and security, I also have this inner burn, this need for adventure and freedom. To do mad things and push myself, not just physically, but in all areas. To break out from the day to day, however great that might be and go off and be just me. The freedom and adventure I mean, can literally look like an afternoon’s peace to read a book, right the way though to the plan for a solo trip up Kilamanjero. In the past, it has meant jumping out of planes, walking stupid distances and a whole range of other stuff, which leaves people giving you ‘that’ look!
Freedom is also my space, My head space and my soul space. My thinking space and my creative space. It’s the space when I can leave the tangled shitty mess that’s building in my head, which is sometimes threatening to explode. Does that make me selfish? I’m not so sure?
My work, both personally and professionally, is about creating and offering excitement, motivation and inspiration. It’s about creating happiness, comfort, safety and support and then teaching others to craft that for themselves… Now I love it and wouldn’t swap for the world, but that takes a shit load of energy. Sometimes I just need to push the stop button and tell the rest of the world in the most polite way to f*ck off for a while, whilst I find out who I am, so that I can carry on, but in a way which doesn’t fry my brain quite so much…. Until next time….
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So, you’re probably wondering where the hell I’ve been. What have I been doing? Where did all the promises of this fabulous blog go? And what if anything have you signed up for?
Ok, so I have a confession. A real confession, one that makes me cringe to admit, mainly because I should know better, but here we go….
Firstly I have to apologise. Going Awol, isn’t really my style, but then I guess we all have our shit to handle every now and then. So here it is, my confession, my shit…. I am a recovering perfectionist. Actually perhaps lets lose the ‘recovering’ on this occasion! I am a perfectionist! There said it!!
So, I sent out that first news letter way back when. I know you all loved it, because you told me you did and thank you so much for that, I really appreciated it! It’s hard to put something out there for the first time without really knowing what people might say about you! So, it was great to hear from so many of you!!
With all that in mind, you’d think I’d be raring to go for the next one wouldn’t you? Well I was, I really was! But, I decided that the next one had to be better, much better. It had to have a new design, a new layout, it had to contain more information, more juicy bits, the video had to be better, I could brush up on the editing. I had to say more, give more value, pass on more tips, be better, do more, work harder. More bells, more whistles, more jazz hands – oh this one was going to be so cool, you were all going to be talking about it for days, weeks, months even! Ohhh yes I had big plans for this newsletter!
Actually I think I may need to say that twice! HA HA!!
Obviously nothing happened! No, that’s not strictly true, lots happened – but on the inside, the inside of me! I totally screwed myself over in the search for the perfect newsletter. I’d set my bar so high that I was never in a month of Sunday’s going to achieve what I set out to achieve! Yes, of course we should all have high standards, goals and dreams, however, where we have to be very careful, is that we don’t fall into the trap of giving ourselves so much to do that we become trapped by procrastination and fear. And yes you’ve guessed it, that’s exactly where I had found myself. In the Procrastination Pit!
The Procrastination Pit is the place where I questioned everything I did. Was it good enough? Was it on point? Would you all like it? What if you didn’t? What if you hated it? What if it was rubbish? Maybe I should just start again! Yes! That would be the best idea – I’ll start again. Now if I had a pound for every time I ran that loop in my head, I’d be wealthy lady! But sadly, The Procrastination Pit is also a payment free zone!
So what happened? How did I manage to end up totally sabotaging myself with fear and procrastination? Simples – I decided that what I was doing wasn’t enough. I wasn’t good enough. Nothing was good enough!
When you find yourself here, at the bottom of the pit, there are two choices, sit and wallow and pick at the situation, or, find yourself a ladder and haul your arse out of there! Believe me I did a fair bit of the first before I even saw what I was doing and thought about moving onto the second.
There are two points to my story. I’m a coach, I deal with this stuff all the time, yet I missed it in myself. I missed what I was doing. So, I wondered if I missed these signs of self sabotage, then perhaps you may miss them too – easily done when you get closely involved, when you’re passionate about something or someone. Sometimes you need to take time out to check in with you! Check out if the story that’s running through your head is actually true, or if it should perhaps start “Once upon a time…” You know in your gut in something is off kilter, you know if you take the time to listen to your truth. But, truth is often a very quiet voice easily drowned by the clamour of life and busyness, by the need to do more and be more. Slow down and take time to listen, take time out from the chaos, it’s usually where the best answers are, not in the trying and pushing harder, which is instinctively what we seem to do in times of stress and worry.
My second point is based around the idea of feeling the fear. Or maybe as the late Susan Jeffers says, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” See, much of what held me back, was the fear. The fear of what if…… Procrastination, faffing, generally coming up with a hundred valid reasons (excuses) not to do something, is all fear based stuff – and that could be anything from producing a newsletter to ending a relationship. From leaving a job you hate through to sorting your finances. We all have or own stuff. The trick is, to find out which one is yours. To notice your faffing, your putting things off. The need to make things bigger and better in an attempt to distract yourself from the original issue. To not then be scared to peel back the edges and wonder what is going on underneath! To face your fear! What was I scared of? Well that’s another story – you don’t get all my secrets in one go!!Read More